Last week I finally went back to Manchester with some of the best people I’ve met there last year. Everytime I come back to England or especially Manchester, it feels more like home. I don’t know if any of you have a city that feels like a home away from home, but I definitely do. Manchester feels more like home now than Munich does. I don’t even know why. Actually no, I know exactly why. I’ve always loved England. When I was seven years old my best friend moved to London so I’ve often spent my summer or New Years Eve there. So England became my second home really fast. When I graduated from High School I lived as an Au Pair in London for a few months. I’m kind of addicted to England. I was always in love with London but I’ve never really thought about moving to another city in England. When I got my acceptance letter for the University of Salford last year I was not even sure if I should go or not. Thank god my friends convinced me to go, because honestly it was the best year of my life so far. My addiction to England is not the only reason why I love Manchester so much. The people I met there are definitely another reason too. I could not have asked for a better flatmate to live with. I am honestly so happy to have her in my life now, especially because she is also from Munich so I can see her very often. But apart from all the good friends I’ve met there at uni and at cheerleading, I’ve also met that guy. THAT guy, which I wrote an article about earlier.
I know that he made Manchester so special to me. My heart still belongs to Manchester. So like I said I was there again with my best friends last week. We went to a party at Warehouse Project, like 3000 other people. It was awesome, the music was amazing and we had the best time. Of course I met him. 3000 people are there and I saw him. What a fucking coincidence…that’s just my luck. A perfect represenation of my life.
So here’s the thing. I thought I was over him. I thought yeah maybe it would be nice to see him and have some smalltalk. Why not? I haven’t seen him in like six months. But it was not. It was not nice at all. I realised I am so not over him and I feel like everything I tried to forget the last months and everything I tried to move on was gone. Immediately when I saw him. I don’t know how many of you had situations like this before. It is so easy to say”Yeah, I’m over him”, when you don’t see him and when you don’t speak to him. It gets really hard the moment you stand in front of him and you try to tell yourself I’m over him. Because I’m so not over it.
I met him, we talked for like two seconds and all he said was“Wtf are you doing here?” and “How do you like the music?” Really? Afer 6 months there is not even a “How are you?” Just how do you like the music…at a huge techno party where you obviously don’t spend 40 quids on a ticket if you don’t like the music but whatever. I was drunk and had so much fun that I did not really care about it.
The next day being hungover and emotionally drained I rememeberd everything. I talked with my friends about it and they openend my eyes again. They told me “He does not deserve you and he never did”. They are right, my head always knew that but my heart never did.
I’ve been thinking, I’ve been thinking about everything we had and everything we did not. Why can I not stop feeling this way? I gave everything I had to give and you still pushed me away. It was just never enough. You broke my heart again and again and again. There will never be anyone who can replace you and there is nothing like us. It is the past now, we did not last long. It was never meant to be. In my opinion we were perfect but obviously we were not. I know I should not tell you this but I just can not stop thinking of you. It always will be you. It is exactly one year since I first met you. In this whole relationship kinda thing we had, we were fighting more with each other than anything else. Still nothing compares to what I feel for you.You have moved on a long time ago. You said it is just about the distance. That it has always been just about the distance. It is not and it never was. I would have moved to another country for you asap but you can not even talk to me for more like 2 seconds after 6 months. I lied, saying I’m over you and saying I have moved on. People go but how they left always stays. Yeah maybe I’m a liar, but then again so are you.
I will come back to Manchester. Not for you, but for me.
So I left the city, on the one hand very happy and with some new amazing memories and on the other with a broken heart. Again. I feel like this story just never ends but I will be stronger next time and Manchester I can not wait to come back again soon with my best pals. Thank you Vali, Jorge, César and Pepe for making last weekend so perfect.
Love you x