What if the things that I’m searching because I think I need them, are not the things that I want – Julia Engelmann

I tell you one thing. You had everything in front of you. Everything you needed. A person who loved you more than herself and tried to make your life the best she can. There are people who adore, love you and see the person you really are. Still you are throwing all of this away for people who don’t give a shit about you. They do not care if you are around or not. Open your fucking eyes, the people you spend most of your time with would barely even notice when you are not around. You believe that this is exactly the attention you should chase because it is all you have ever known but baby you are wrong. You are so wrong. You destroy yourself to feel somehow alive and to feel a broken love. I do not know what needs to happen so you will finally understand that you deserve this deep love we had and a happy ending. One day, you will maybe remember the girl who loved you so much that she forgot to love herself and it will be too late.

I was called a psychotic bitch, schizophrenic or the annoying, controlling girlfriend so many times I stopped counting. I never cared what anybody said about me because I just simply knew it was not true. They don’t know all the stuff you did to me. I was there for you when no one else was. I forgave you for things you did, that no one else would. I always tried to understand you when I needed you and you were not there for me. I defended you in front of other people even though you did not deserve it. I gave our love about a hundred tries, but I am done spending my time trying to make you love me the way I love you. I was in love with a person that I have created in my head and who I thought is somewhere deep down inside of you behind all your issues and insecurities. You have all these demons in your mind so I cannot even blame you for what you did but I lost myself trying to fix you. I still believe in second chances (or even the 100th chance) but you cannot give someone another chance if they don’t want it. Sometimes you give everything and even that is not enough and I learned that if it is not meant to be it never will be. You cannot force anything.

I will never find the right words to describe what you did to me and I won’t even try because no one will ever understand it. You set me completely on fire and still you act like you are the one burning. I may have lost someone who did not care about me, but you lost someone who truly did. So who is the real loser here?

I have put caring for another person before caring for myself and it was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Some people take you for granted and take advantage of everything you do for them without appreciating it. And now my journey is not about love or anyone else but myself. Maybe I needed this as a reminder that I am the person who I am spending the rest of my life with. I am rebuilding myself, I am gonna be stronger than ever before. I am giving myself the love that I have always given to others, to the wrong people. The only person I can fix is myself and I deserve so much more than this. 

PS: I am not trying to insult anyone here or to spread hate. This is just how I feel and I needed to get this off my chest.


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