Moving On

Honestly, I don’t care what anybody says but lovesickness is the fucking worst feeling in the whole world. Being lovesick for over 6 months has turned into a depression and there were days that I actually thought I don’t wanna be on this earth anymore if I continue feeling like this.

My ex boyfriend has treated me like absolute shit and I knew it. I knew it the whole time but there was this little thing in me called HOPE that he would change. I knew for over 6 months that I deserve way better but my heart was simply not ready to accept that fact.

After hitting rock bottom 3 weeks ago and checking into a psychatric hospital, I finally realised something. No matter what kind of an asshole, narcissist and psychopath he is, how he treated me or how he cheated, it does not matter. I can blame everything on him and say: „You did this to me“ or „You are the reason why I am here“ BUT that won’t change anything.

So I started questionning myself HOW can I fix this? How can I get out of this situation alive and start loving myself again? So I did. I changed my mindset, I cut off every contact, I blocked him on my WhatsApp.

The problem with all of this was, that deep deep down I still had hope. After everything I still had hope that he would change, that maybe seeing me in hospital at my lowest would actually change something inside of him so he would finally change. Obviously he didn’t and after 2 weeks in the hospital I saw him again at the club I am working. He made a scene, got kicked out and I cried. Perfect night really. But the day after, there finally was this moment which everyone is talking about. The moment when you wake up and realise fuck me, what the hell am I doing here? How can I give someone else the power to destroy me like that? How can I do this to myself. And there it was, the day that I woke up and I knew I never want to be with this man ever again. Maybe I still love him or maybe he just manipulated me that well that I thought I can’t live without him. Because I fucking can.

The last 3 weeks were the worst weeks of my entire life but I made it through. Of course, there will still be times that I do not feel this good or be sad about him or miss the good times we had but I will get over this eventually. I never thought that this day would come when I can actually say: „I don’t want him anymore“ but I made it and so can you.

Heartbreaks are the fucking worst and no one can understand how hurt you are. No one understood me, why I would let him treat me like this. Time helps in these situations. And friends. I have the best friends in the whole world who listened to my stories about him over and over and over again and who were still there when I had my next mental breakdown because of him.

The last thing I can tell you is that I was not stupid for letting me treat like this. You are not stupid if you are in a similiar situation. I am a normal, caring and trusting person. Not stupid. Stop blaming yourself. You can’t force a relationsip with a man who hates himself so much that he takes it out on you.

Remember:

He hurts YOU because he does not love himself.

He cheats because he is weak and can not honor your devotion.

It’s not your fault and at some point you will meet someone who will fix your broken heart and will treat you like the princess you are.

I’ve finally let go and chose myself and I am happier than I’ve been in months.

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